| Hmm... |
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| 03:09pm 03/11/2003 |
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mood:  blah music: New Order - Brutal
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Well, thankfully it doesn't seem as though many people actually read this journal. It's getting to be more of a daily diary and less a . . . worthwhile contemplation on life (was it ever? I doubt it). But I've decided that since it's rather vapid by intellectual standards (i.e. I don't write about saving the rainforest, or why I support the death penalty, or the merits of Kurt Vonnegut's literature) I'd rather not trouble any poor unsuspecting soul who happens to stumble upon it and subsequently read it without knowing better. However, I do remember Aesop's fable about the gnat on the shoulder of the bull (and it's many variations . . . a quick version here) so if you didn't even notice me in the first place you can disregard this entry. If for some reason you HAVE been noticing and aren't on my friends list, I will add you if you ask :)
In other developments, Kendra has decided to study for her Economics exam starting today! A day early! Yes, shocking. However, due to a poor sleep pattern I've also decided to decline the visit to the computer science TAs for today. Tomorrow, perhaps (or rather I hope most definitely). I will however do the koofers I have printed out (thank you, thank you, thank you Will) and read the project specs and maybe even 'start' on it. :)
I'm really questioning why I'm here lately. I'm feeling terribly unsure . . . but you know, at the same time I can't help but believe that time is fixed to an extent. The future is now, in a very real sense, and just because my brain can't conceive of it doesn't make it any less true. I wish I could extrapolate to two years from now and see what I'll be doing and make my decision now - it would save so much pain. All of life is an opportunity cost indeed my friend . . . I fight the urge to call on God for strength because I don't deserve it. I can only wish or hope for the courage to be myself and go completely nuts if the need arises. What I want is terribly obvious, but I can't seem to break free of the values and bonds that parents, other family, friends, teachers, and even society as a whole imposed on me my entire life in order to get at it.
Of course I could save myself a lot of hot air and just wait for a miracle. :B
Sometimes I feel
That you're a part of me
Although it don't seem real
It's how I want it to be
But if you can't stay then I'll understand
You're just sawdust in my empty hand
If you can't decide
I'll still be true
Just open wide
I'm here for you
And if you think that you've found
A gentle sound
Where love breaks down
It's all right.
And if you can't overcome
What gets you down
Don't get uptight
It's all right.
I'm a shallow man
In an hollow land
On a beaten track under your command
And the sound
In my head goes round and round
Like a drunk on the stairs
who just fell down
But now it seems
Like a distant dream
When it all lived wrong
With our love supreme
And the sound in my head goes round and round
Like a drunk on the stairs who just fell down
And if you think that you've found
A gentle sound
Where love breaks down
It's all right.
And if you can't overcome
What gets you down
Don't get uptight
It's all right. |
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(7 can't escape | is it okay) |
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| HOORAY! |
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| 10:25pm 02/11/2003 |
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mood:  excited
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My brother gets to come home for Thanksgiving! <3 |
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(is it okay) |
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| Oh crap. |
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| 05:18pm 02/11/2003 |
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mood:  weird
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One of those days has hit. Those days where I feel like I can do nothing but sleep. Those days where I feel constantly out of whack with my blood sugar, but in reality it's fine. Those days where my thought processes are random and scattered and entirely useless to the projects and processes that I must do. God, whoever invented these days should be shot. I have too much to do that I just don't WANNA. I got up at 12:30 (which makes 8 hrs of sleep) and then after a meal and some reading-for-fun fell back asleep at 3 and just woke up at 5. I'll do my Accounting and then probably look at the specs for the C++ project. I don't know if I'll actually do anymore coding apart from declaring variables, maybe. I'm really just so intimidated at this point. I WILL print out some koofers though - test on Thursday as well, and an Econ one on Wednesday. The project isn't actually due until NEXT Monday, but I've just go so much to do before then that there's really no sane reason to put it off until then. Oh, tra la la, I've made another academic post. I'm good at time management, but not so good at following through on my plans.
It was beautiful and warm here today but I had no incentive to go outside, unless it was to sleep in the sun. I ended up doing that anyway as the sun crept into my window and made my feet hot while I slept.
I keep having sexually-themed dreams. Quite an erotic charge going on around me I guess - what a waste! I'm having those unrealistic "he'll show up on my doorstep one day out of the blue" fantasies. They're fun to think about but leave me alone in the end as always. Will I ever stop wanting it to happen, though? I want to be stolen away, robbed . . . like a princess from a castle, or some such fuzzy romantic thing. Take me away and give me no chance to protest. Use lots of duct tape, or something.
Erm, and there's an IM from Tara. Snapping out of it. Maybe she wants to bring me back to the world of the living via dinner? . . . |
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(is it okay) |
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| Strangely enough, |
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| 06:17pm 01/11/2003 |
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mood:  sleepy
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I've managed to pass Friday and most of Saturday without thinking about my C++ project. The stress will clamp down like a vise this coming week (and will probably last through next week) so I apologize in advance to anyone I happen to come into contact with.
Going to Miami game pretty soon. I should be excited I s'pose, but I still feel that I shouldn't be going. Stupid, stupid (sweet?) boys. Plus I feel sluggish.
I would go on but this is just going to get duller :) Uhh...Halloween was okay, but more fun when I got home >;) |
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(is it okay) |
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| UGH |
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| 01:06am 01/11/2003 |
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mood:  aggravated music: Sheryl Crow - A Change Would Do You Good
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I keep smelling cigarettes - and then I realized it was my hair! Gross!
God's little gift is on the rag
Poster girl posing in a fashion mag
Canine, feline, Jekyll and Hyde
Wear your fake fur on the inside
Queen of south beach, aging blues
Dinner's at six, wear your cement shoes
I thought you were singing your heart out to me
Your lips were syncing and now I see
A change would do you good
A change would do you good
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(13 can't escape | is it okay) |
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| My band is prettier than your band. |
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| 04:29pm 31/10/2003 |
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mood:  amused music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet With Butterfly Wings
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( Screenshots are fun! )
Yes, I have been very productive today. Nah, I'm going to try to fit in some reading before the kiddies start coming. Happy Halloween everybody.
and what do i get, for my pain
betrayed desires, and a piece of the game |
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(is it okay) |
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| 11:47pm 28/10/2003 |
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mood:  crushed
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:/ A little thing but. One of my friends doesn't have me friended on their journal anymore. Le sigh. I wanna call him but what if he's actually working today? :O |
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(8 can't escape | is it okay) |
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| I know, I know. |
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| 08:44pm 28/10/2003 |
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mood:  melancholy music: Counting Crows - A Long December
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Long time readers of this thing will get tired of me posting this so I'll stop someday, but man. I really enjoy Gattaca. Or maybe it's just that I always watch it alone so it's much easier to cry over. The music is very moving as well and it's nice visually. SIGH. I'll buy it one day, I promise.
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Now the days go by so fast |
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(is it okay) |
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| Yeah I'm really bored |
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| 06:45pm 27/10/2003 |
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mood:  exanimate music: The Cranberries - Linger
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So I apologize for all the stupid posts. I'm waiting for it to be 7pm so I can go get some grub. I should probably use this free time to do some homework but I'm not behind or swamped in any class, particularly. I didn't have to go to the TAs in the end because...gasp, I figured it out. I just hope Stelios doesn't deduct anything. The curator gave me a 102.
My feelings of confusion and general angst were in fact caused by Aunt Flo. Hello, Aunt Flo! Hopefully I'll snap out of it soon. <3 hormones.
I'm not very disciplined, or at the least I am masochistic because I miss Will.
Shying away from people in general. I am second-guessing every social move I make, it seems (except with closer friends). I almost feel like an autistic person. Everyone's an enigma that I don't particularly want to solve. Can't we all just get along and stop being weird.
But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?
Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.
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(4 can't escape | is it okay) |
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| WHAT THE. |
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| 09:54am 27/10/2003 |
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mood:  shocked
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I just checked my Stats test 2 score . . . 96?! There were at least 10 questions (out of 30) that I had to go back to a billion times!
I pray that if this is in error Professor Kitchin never discovers it. *bows down to the test gods*
Let's hope I get that lucky on my ACIS test this Thursday. & the C++ test on the 6th!
Note to self:
*visit TAs today
*write Becky's card
*answer Alan's letter?! |
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(is it okay) |
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| Heh :o |
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| 03:10pm 25/10/2003 |
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mood: chipper music: Ben Folds Five - Mess
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Well, I feel cool now. James Iha sent a "hi" my way on the phone the other day (wow, that rhymed nicely). I'm touched by an angel! :B Seriously though he's a really groovy guy. Also very sweet of him to talk about D'arcy briefly. I only wish I had been the one to speak with him, but then again elle was probably much more serious & informative on the things he's been up to lately, so :) "How bout them Sounds?"
I am being really, really lazy. Jesus. I slept in til 12:30 today, after Mom called and woke me up at 11:20. I guess they'll be here around 5 or so, which is good cos I need to clean the room up so they don't think I live in utter squalor. Paige & I just get some sick enjoyment out of balancing the trash on top of more trash as high as it can possibly go. Ate a sandwich & watched the beginning of Gattaca. Yeah, I dunno what's up with me and the sandwiches lately, I need to stop. Lettuce has just been making me want to puke my guts out.
I had a dream last night that is pretty vivid to me (further confirmation of ovulation). I was in the middle of nowhere at some nasty public pool with a lot of other touristy types of people, wearing this god-awful bikini. It was peach with plum ribbing & was a bit skimpier than something I'd wear in real life . . . the kind that ties at the back and the hips? Anyway despite this un-maternal outfit, I was quite aware that I had a young daughter (and I guess you can extrapolate as to who dad was, oh well that habit is going to die hard). I'd put her at four or so, and she had long hair up in a ponytail and she was running around in a pink bathing suit with those orange swimmy-floater things on her arms. She was really hard to keep track of for some reason, and I was plagued the entire dream by thinking that she was going to fall in the pool or be kidnapped or something. In the back of the pool was a huge skyscraper type building that had lots of people in business suits or school uniforms going around looking very busy. I remember getting up and going into the building to see if my daughter had gone in there and I ran into my programming professor (ewwww). He said he hadn't seen her, so I went into panic mode and ran outside again to talk to my husband, and he seemed totally unconcerned and pointed to the middle of the shallow end. There were lots of people in there but there she was, safe as could be. I sat down next to him and tried to concentrate on her. The dream sort of faded out but I remember sitting there wondering why we were at this third-rate public pool when we could be anywhere we wanted.
Any psychoanalysts in the house?
Okay, time to take out the trash and wash dishes and start some homework.
There was a time that I had nothing to explain
Oh, this mess I had made
But then things got complicated
My innocence has all but faded
Oh, this mess I have made
And I don't believe in God
So I can't be saved
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess I have made
All the untested virtue
The things I said I'd never do
Least of all to you
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(7 can't escape | is it okay) |
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| Y'know |
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| 02:29am 25/10/2003 |
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mood:  guilty
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I'd been wanting to suggest that since this morning and now that I've said it I feel like a bad person. I wanted to talk to him on the phone this weekend, too. At least it didn't end up in a total tearfest. Naive isn't such a bad thing to be called, in comparison.
Tonight. Saw Pirates of the Caribbean. I'm sorry, but it is hard to make yourself like someone any more than you do initially. Maybe if I was in an arranged marriage I'd think differently. I don't like it when guys say "fuck you," to me, even if they're joking. I just don't really enjoy that sort of humor (on a repeated basis). I'm giving up on people this week, I think. Haha. I was glad to see Kyle and Tara holding hands, though.
Eh, screw this entry. It'll turn out being emo again, and I must be ovulating because I'm feeling really, really sad. I'd like a boyfriend in times like these, but I think maybe I'm not intelligent enough to get and keep the love I'd like. See ya later. |
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(7 can't escape | is it okay) |
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| 12:27am 24/10/2003 |
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mood:  distressed
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The hopelessness of the people after the fact is more damaging than any dictator, hydrogen bomb, epidemic of disease, or any other man-made evil. Got to keep surviving.
I have to believe in something beyond myself - because in the end, I am nothing, and you are nothing, and we are all absolutely dick if we can't acknowledge each other and our hopes, dreams, love, compassion, and the awesome beauty of the world. |
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(2 can't escape | is it okay) |
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| Before I start the homework... |
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| 05:15pm 20/10/2003 |
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mood: worried music: Ivy - I Hate December
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...the slacker weekend has caught up with me. I'll give a synopsis of that & then move on to the daily bitch. (:D)
Umm..Friday. Friday, I don't remember what I did. Oh yeah, missed the bus with Paige at 7:15 and caught it at 8:15. We went to Wal*Mart to pick up a phone card for her and stood in an ungodly line, and then got to Rugged Wearhouse where we contemplated shoes. She tried on some very scary pink pointy things which she seems to have a strange fascination with :D (<3 Paige) and I stared at some Skechers with a frown on my face because the ones I liked (magenta with blue stripes) weren't in my size. Is anything ever in my size? All in all though they didn't look very comfortable anyway. I just need to go to the mall sometime and catch a sale. I always seem to want to shop for Will when I go into stores, but I suppose I should stop that. I looked briefly for Bryan but I'll probably just end up going downtown B'burg and getting him a skate hoodie or something (provided it's NOT $30+). Problem: Anyone want to scout out and find out what brands Bryan likes? Haha. It seems to change from year to year. Silly kids and their trends.
Then we went to Wal*Mart. I bought some chocolate (it's a necessity, even for the person with diabetes), and also yogurt. Probably something else I'm not remembering. Pads don't count. OH YEAH, we stopped at Barnes&Noble before Wal*Mart. What a mistake, sigh. But I love bookstores so much. I'd say they're better than libraries, because you buy & own the books there. They both have great smells and potential, though. I guess it's kind of like what a nymphomaniac feels like walking into an orgy. All those great stories, just dying to be read! Er, anyway. I bought Stephen King & Peter Straub's continuation to The Talisman (which I read at the library here last year) and Orson Scott Card's latest in The Shadow of the Hegemon series (following Bean, one of the soldiers from the Battle School in Ender's Game). Funny how I bought two sequels, yet I don't own any of the books that come before them. Oh well, I couldn't resist. Someday I'll own all of them, when I'm rich and powerful and famous and just sit around reading novels all day*.
Saturday saw Paige sing! Was a full house and I enjoyed every song performed. Professor Gendron has two very talented groups, I must say (although I'm certainly no expert on the human voice). Everyone sounded absolutely lovely and the songs were very well-picked. The Hebrew love songs were very beautiful, I thought. (The kind you'd shed some tears over alone in your room when you sure of no interruptions. Be still my silly heart!) Her parents are very funny folks & so kind, so they invited me to join Paige & them afterwards for dinner. We went to Kabuki and I had the hot food for the first time. It was okay; not as good as I remember Otani being. The mixed drinks (virgin o'course :D) all looked reeeeeally good. There are so many delicious ways to kill myself, I just can't decide.
Sunday was more or less nothingness puncuated by homework. Love doing nothing. So nice.
But now it's back to more stress, and I've been sort of off-center and worried all day after talking with Will this morning. It's like one of those bad after-school specials you saw on TV when you were 13, except this time. I know him, or I thought I did, and I wish I mattered or could make a difference. I won't say more here but I feel so impotent. I need a magic wand badly, or at least the right words to say.
*would not actually do this as there is a life to be lived, but maybe on Sundays
All I know is what I feel
And what I feel is all too real
It's pecking hard
It's cracked the egg
It's come to life
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(3 can't escape | is it okay) |
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| Eh well |
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| 01:44pm 15/10/2003 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares to You
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I just took that 'love' quiz on Alan's LJ and I got Casablanca. ("You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A classic story of love in trying times, chock full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously believe in true love, but you're also constantly aware of practicality and societal expectations. That's not always fun, but at least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis get you down too much.) I was hoping for Hedwig :D Besides, it seems like better advice (Your romance is more of a love that needs to bloom within, just like Hedwig of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. The film features an East German transsexual who is seeking her "other half" after constant betrayal. You must love yourself before you can need another. You're starting to realize this, along with the fact that you don't need a significant other to be a complete person. Your "other half" has been inside you all along.)
Er, anyway. I guess I'm feeling okay, but that might change...there's a new C++ project up to download! It's based on project 3 tho so hopefully I can find the correct code I had for that D: (I might've deleted it off the floppy disk though, fuck me.) Little cruddy meetings to go to tonight, eh. Just feeling normal for once, I guess. Not too stressed out.
I had a dream last night that I enjoyed but now I can't remember it. It had Will and Catherine and James Iha in it (well, James was indirect...he was in the news for something). And then I had a dream where I was poolside with Kyle Smoot and Catherine again, and someone's dad was drowning in the pool..the water was all brown and murky and gross, and I dived in to try to get the drowning person and so did Kyle, but neither of us could find the guy. It was really weird and disturbing. And why Kyle? lol
It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
Went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me?
He said, girl, you better have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool ...
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you ...
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(5 can't escape | is it okay) |
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| The ability to relate to music.... |
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| 09:11pm 12/10/2003 |
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mood:  disappointed
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...is what reminds me that I'm not the first one to go through this, right?
im falling, falling for the last time
half dead on the inside, feels like nothing's left at all
half smile on the outside, then it's gone
i could never be what you want me to be, i'm just going to leave you disappointed
i could never be what you want me to be, i'm just going to leave you disappointed
could it be that this time
we're just longing, longing for the first time
it's been such a long night
now we're sleeping back again
no matter how we try to pretend
i could never be what you want me to be, i'm just going to leave you disappointed
i could never be what you want me to be, i'm just going to leave you disappointed
i could never see what you wanted from me, all you're going to be is disappointed
i could never be what you want me to be, i'm just going to leave you disappointed
half dead on the inside, feels like nothings left at all
half smile on the outside, then its gone
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(is it okay) |
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longerday's journal