just one more longer day

Hmm...

2003-11-03T20:25:50Z

Well, thankfully it doesn't seem as though many people actually read this journal. It's getting to be more of a daily diary and less a . . . worthwhile contemplation on life (was it ever? I doubt it). But I've decided that since it's rather vapid by intellectual standards (i.e. I don't write about saving the rainforest, or why I support the death penalty, or the merits of Kurt Vonnegut's literature) I'd rather not trouble any poor unsuspecting soul who happens to stumble upon it and subsequently read it without knowing better. However, I do remember Aesop's fable about the gnat on the shoulder of the bull (and it's many variations . . . a quick version here) so if you didn't even notice me in the first place you can disregard this entry. If for some reason you HAVE been noticing and aren't on my friends list, I will add you if you ask :)

In other developments, Kendra has decided to study for her Economics exam starting today! A day early! Yes, shocking. However, due to a poor sleep pattern I've also decided to decline the visit to the computer science TAs for today. Tomorrow, perhaps (or rather I hope most definitely). I will however do the koofers I have printed out (thank you, thank you, thank you Will) and read the project specs and maybe even 'start' on it. :)

I'm really questioning why I'm here lately. I'm feeling terribly unsure . . . but you know, at the same time I can't help but believe that time is fixed to an extent. The future is now, in a very real sense, and just because my brain can't conceive of it doesn't make it any less true. I wish I could extrapolate to two years from now and see what I'll be doing and make my decision now - it would save so much pain. All of life is an opportunity cost indeed my friend . . . I fight the urge to call on God for strength because I don't deserve it. I can only wish or hope for the courage to be myself and go completely nuts if the need arises. What I want is terribly obvious, but I can't seem to break free of the values and bonds that parents, other family, friends, teachers, and even society as a whole imposed on me my entire life in order to get at it.

Of course I could save myself a lot of hot air and just wait for a miracle. :B

Sometimes I feel
That you're a part of me
Although it don't seem real
It's how I want it to be
But if you can't stay then I'll understand
You're just sawdust in my empty hand
If you can't decide
I'll still be true
Just open wide
I'm here for you

And if you think that you've found
A gentle sound
Where love breaks down
It's all right.
And if you can't overcome
What gets you down
Don't get uptight
It's all right.

I'm a shallow man
In an hollow land
On a beaten track under your command
And the sound
In my head goes round and round
Like a drunk on the stairs
who just fell down
But now it seems
Like a distant dream
When it all lived wrong
With our love supreme
And the sound in my head goes round and round
Like a drunk on the stairs who just fell down

And if you think that you've found
A gentle sound
Where love breaks down
It's all right.
And if you can't overcome
What gets you down
Don't get uptight
It's all right.

Grania has neat procrastination tools!

2003-11-03T05:54:33Z

HOORAY!

2003-11-03T03:25:54Z

My brother gets to come home for Thanksgiving! <3

Oh crap.

2003-11-02T22:28:26Z

One of those days has hit. Those days where I feel like I can do nothing but sleep. Those days where I feel constantly out of whack with my blood sugar, but in reality it's fine. Those days where my thought processes are random and scattered and entirely useless to the projects and processes that I must do. God, whoever invented these days should be shot. I have too much to do that I just don't WANNA. I got up at 12:30 (which makes 8 hrs of sleep) and then after a meal and some reading-for-fun fell back asleep at 3 and just woke up at 5. I'll do my Accounting and then probably look at the specs for the C++ project. I don't know if I'll actually do anymore coding apart from declaring variables, maybe. I'm really just so intimidated at this point. I WILL print out some koofers though - test on Thursday as well, and an Econ one on Wednesday. The project isn't actually due until NEXT Monday, but I've just go so much to do before then that there's really no sane reason to put it off until then. Oh, tra la la, I've made another academic post. I'm good at time management, but not so good at following through on my plans.

It was beautiful and warm here today but I had no incentive to go outside, unless it was to sleep in the sun. I ended up doing that anyway as the sun crept into my window and made my feet hot while I slept.

I keep having sexually-themed dreams. Quite an erotic charge going on around me I guess - what a waste! I'm having those unrealistic "he'll show up on my doorstep one day out of the blue" fantasies. They're fun to think about but leave me alone in the end as always. Will I ever stop wanting it to happen, though? I want to be stolen away, robbed . . . like a princess from a castle, or some such fuzzy romantic thing. Take me away and give me no chance to protest. Use lots of duct tape, or something.

Erm, and there's an IM from Tara. Snapping out of it. Maybe she wants to bring me back to the world of the living via dinner? . . .

Strangely enough,

2003-11-01T23:20:21Z

I've managed to pass Friday and most of Saturday without thinking about my C++ project. The stress will clamp down like a vise this coming week (and will probably last through next week) so I apologize in advance to anyone I happen to come into contact with.

Going to Miami game pretty soon. I should be excited I s'pose, but I still feel that I shouldn't be going. Stupid, stupid (sweet?) boys. Plus I feel sluggish.

I would go on but this is just going to get duller :) Uhh...Halloween was okay, but more fun when I got home >;)

UGH

2003-11-01T06:09:35Z

I keep smelling cigarettes - and then I realized it was my hair! Gross!

God's little gift is on the rag
Poster girl posing in a fashion mag
Canine, feline, Jekyll and Hyde
Wear your fake fur on the inside
Queen of south beach, aging blues
Dinner's at six, wear your cement shoes
I thought you were singing your heart out to me
Your lips were syncing and now I see

A change would do you good
A change would do you good

My band is prettier than your band.

2003-10-31T21:32:20Z

Yes, I have been very productive today. Nah, I'm going to try to fit in some reading before the kiddies start coming. Happy Halloween everybody.

and what do i get, for my pain
betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

longerday @ 2003-10-28T23:47:00

2003-10-29T04:48:52Z

:/ A little thing but. One of my friends doesn't have me friended on their journal anymore. Le sigh. I wanna call him but what if he's actually working today? :O

I know, I know.

2003-10-29T01:47:17Z

Long time readers of this thing will get tired of me posting this so I'll stop someday, but man. I really enjoy Gattaca. Or maybe it's just that I always watch it alone so it's much easier to cry over. The music is very moving as well and it's nice visually. SIGH. I'll buy it one day, I promise.

Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Now the days go by so fast

:B

2003-10-28T18:38:29Z

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
longerday goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as a mime.
amethyste tricks you! You get a toothbrush.
big_king tricks you! You get a wet rag.
ciscorob gives you 1 dark blue passionfruit-flavoured gummy fruits.
happyturtle gives you 4 brown pineapple-flavoured gumdrops.
mjolnir_rising tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
pai_chan gives you 13 brown cola-flavoured jelly beans.
pelezu tricks you! You get a thumbtack.
vvill gives you 14 yellow cinnamon-flavoured gummy bears.
longerday ends up with 31 pieces of candy, a toothbrush, a wet rag, and a thumbtack.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

Aw, thanks for the cinnamon Will. And the WET RAG, G D:

Yeah I'm really bored

2003-10-27T23:53:25Z

So I apologize for all the stupid posts. I'm waiting for it to be 7pm so I can go get some grub. I should probably use this free time to do some homework but I'm not behind or swamped in any class, particularly. I didn't have to go to the TAs in the end because...gasp, I figured it out. I just hope Stelios doesn't deduct anything. The curator gave me a 102.

My feelings of confusion and general angst were in fact caused by Aunt Flo. Hello, Aunt Flo! Hopefully I'll snap out of it soon. <3 hormones.

I'm not very disciplined, or at the least I am masochistic because I miss Will.

Shying away from people in general. I am second-guessing every social move I make, it seems (except with closer friends). I almost feel like an autistic person. Everyone's an enigma that I don't particularly want to solve. Can't we all just get along and stop being weird.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

WHAT THE.

2003-10-27T14:56:07Z

I just checked my Stats test 2 score . . . 96?! There were at least 10 questions (out of 30) that I had to go back to a billion times!

I pray that if this is in error Professor Kitchin never discovers it. *bows down to the test gods*

Let's hope I get that lucky on my ACIS test this Thursday. & the C++ test on the 6th!

Note to self:
*visit TAs today
*write Becky's card
*answer Alan's letter?!

Heh :o

2003-10-25T19:24:20Z

Well, I feel cool now. James Iha sent a "hi" my way on the phone the other day (wow, that rhymed nicely). I'm touched by an angel! :B Seriously though he's a really groovy guy. Also very sweet of him to talk about D'arcy briefly. I only wish I had been the one to speak with him, but then again elle was probably much more serious & informative on the things he's been up to lately, so :) "How bout them Sounds?"

I am being really, really lazy. Jesus. I slept in til 12:30 today, after Mom called and woke me up at 11:20. I guess they'll be here around 5 or so, which is good cos I need to clean the room up so they don't think I live in utter squalor. Paige & I just get some sick enjoyment out of balancing the trash on top of more trash as high as it can possibly go. Ate a sandwich & watched the beginning of Gattaca. Yeah, I dunno what's up with me and the sandwiches lately, I need to stop. Lettuce has just been making me want to puke my guts out.

I had a dream last night that is pretty vivid to me (further confirmation of ovulation). I was in the middle of nowhere at some nasty public pool with a lot of other touristy types of people, wearing this god-awful bikini. It was peach with plum ribbing & was a bit skimpier than something I'd wear in real life . . . the kind that ties at the back and the hips? Anyway despite this un-maternal outfit, I was quite aware that I had a young daughter (and I guess you can extrapolate as to who dad was, oh well that habit is going to die hard). I'd put her at four or so, and she had long hair up in a ponytail and she was running around in a pink bathing suit with those orange swimmy-floater things on her arms. She was really hard to keep track of for some reason, and I was plagued the entire dream by thinking that she was going to fall in the pool or be kidnapped or something. In the back of the pool was a huge skyscraper type building that had lots of people in business suits or school uniforms going around looking very busy. I remember getting up and going into the building to see if my daughter had gone in there and I ran into my programming professor (ewwww). He said he hadn't seen her, so I went into panic mode and ran outside again to talk to my husband, and he seemed totally unconcerned and pointed to the middle of the shallow end. There were lots of people in there but there she was, safe as could be. I sat down next to him and tried to concentrate on her. The dream sort of faded out but I remember sitting there wondering why we were at this third-rate public pool when we could be anywhere we wanted.

Any psychoanalysts in the house?

Okay, time to take out the trash and wash dishes and start some homework.

There was a time that I had nothing to explain
Oh, this mess I had made
But then things got complicated
My innocence has all but faded
Oh, this mess I have made

And I don't believe in God
So I can't be saved
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess I have made

All the untested virtue
The things I said I'd never do
Least of all to you

Y'know

2003-10-25T06:35:24Z

I'd been wanting to suggest that since this morning and now that I've said it I feel like a bad person. I wanted to talk to him on the phone this weekend, too. At least it didn't end up in a total tearfest. Naive isn't such a bad thing to be called, in comparison.

Tonight. Saw Pirates of the Caribbean. I'm sorry, but it is hard to make yourself like someone any more than you do initially. Maybe if I was in an arranged marriage I'd think differently. I don't like it when guys say "fuck you," to me, even if they're joking. I just don't really enjoy that sort of humor (on a repeated basis). I'm giving up on people this week, I think. Haha. I was glad to see Kyle and Tara holding hands, though.

Eh, screw this entry. It'll turn out being emo again, and I must be ovulating because I'm feeling really, really sad. I'd like a boyfriend in times like these, but I think maybe I'm not intelligent enough to get and keep the love I'd like. See ya later.

longerday @ 2003-10-24T00:27:00

2003-10-24T04:32:52Z

The hopelessness of the people after the fact is more damaging than any dictator, hydrogen bomb, epidemic of disease, or any other man-made evil. Got to keep surviving.

I have to believe in something beyond myself - because in the end, I am nothing, and you are nothing, and we are all absolutely dick if we can't acknowledge each other and our hopes, dreams, love, compassion, and the awesome beauty of the world.

Before I start the homework...

2003-10-20T21:39:23Z

...the slacker weekend has caught up with me. I'll give a synopsis of that & then move on to the daily bitch. (:D)

Umm..Friday. Friday, I don't remember what I did. Oh yeah, missed the bus with Paige at 7:15 and caught it at 8:15. We went to Wal*Mart to pick up a phone card for her and stood in an ungodly line, and then got to Rugged Wearhouse where we contemplated shoes. She tried on some very scary pink pointy things which she seems to have a strange fascination with :D (<3 Paige) and I stared at some Skechers with a frown on my face because the ones I liked (magenta with blue stripes) weren't in my size. Is anything ever in my size? All in all though they didn't look very comfortable anyway. I just need to go to the mall sometime and catch a sale. I always seem to want to shop for Will when I go into stores, but I suppose I should stop that. I looked briefly for Bryan but I'll probably just end up going downtown B'burg and getting him a skate hoodie or something (provided it's NOT $30+). Problem: Anyone want to scout out and find out what brands Bryan likes? Haha. It seems to change from year to year. Silly kids and their trends.

Then we went to Wal*Mart. I bought some chocolate (it's a necessity, even for the person with diabetes), and also yogurt. Probably something else I'm not remembering. Pads don't count. OH YEAH, we stopped at Barnes&Noble before Wal*Mart. What a mistake, sigh. But I love bookstores so much. I'd say they're better than libraries, because you buy & own the books there. They both have great smells and potential, though. I guess it's kind of like what a nymphomaniac feels like walking into an orgy. All those great stories, just dying to be read! Er, anyway. I bought Stephen King & Peter Straub's continuation to The Talisman (which I read at the library here last year) and Orson Scott Card's latest in The Shadow of the Hegemon series (following Bean, one of the soldiers from the Battle School in Ender's Game). Funny how I bought two sequels, yet I don't own any of the books that come before them. Oh well, I couldn't resist. Someday I'll own all of them, when I'm rich and powerful and famous and just sit around reading novels all day*.

Saturday saw Paige sing! Was a full house and I enjoyed every song performed. Professor Gendron has two very talented groups, I must say (although I'm certainly no expert on the human voice). Everyone sounded absolutely lovely and the songs were very well-picked. The Hebrew love songs were very beautiful, I thought. (The kind you'd shed some tears over alone in your room when you sure of no interruptions. Be still my silly heart!) Her parents are very funny folks & so kind, so they invited me to join Paige & them afterwards for dinner. We went to Kabuki and I had the hot food for the first time. It was okay; not as good as I remember Otani being. The mixed drinks (virgin o'course :D) all looked reeeeeally good. There are so many delicious ways to kill myself, I just can't decide.

Sunday was more or less nothingness puncuated by homework. Love doing nothing. So nice.

But now it's back to more stress, and I've been sort of off-center and worried all day after talking with Will this morning. It's like one of those bad after-school specials you saw on TV when you were 13, except this time. I know him, or I thought I did, and I wish I mattered or could make a difference. I won't say more here but I feel so impotent. I need a magic wand badly, or at least the right words to say.

*would not actually do this as there is a life to be lived, but maybe on Sundays

All I know is what I feel
And what I feel is all too real
It's pecking hard
It's cracked the egg
It's come to life

What doubt does.

2003-10-18T19:57:08Z

Truth beautifully expressed, thank you Haruki Murakami:

One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo's fashionable Harujuku neighborhood, I walked past the 100% perfect girl.

Tell you the truth, she's not that good-looking. She doesn't stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn't young, either - must be near thirty, not even close to a "girl," properly speaking. But still, I know from fifty yards away: She's the 100% perfect girl for me. The moment I see her, there's a rumbling in my chest, and my mouth is as dry as a desert.

Maybe you have your own particular favorite type of girl - one with slim ankles, say, or big eyes, or graceful fingers, or you're drawn for no good reason to girls who take their time with every meal. I have my own preferences, of course. Sometimes in a restaurant I'll catch myself staring at the girl at the next table to mine because I like the shape of her nose.

But no one can insist that his 100% perfect girl correspond to some preconceived type. Much as I like noses, I can't recall the shape of hers - or even if she had one. All I can remember for sure is that she was no great beauty. It's weird.

"Yesterday on the street I passed the 100% girl," I tell someone.

"Yeah?" he says. "Good-looking?"

"Not really."

"Your favorite type, then?"

"I don't know. I can't seem to remember anything about her - the shape of her eyes or the size of her breasts."

"Strange."

"Yeah. Strange."

"So anyhow," he says, already bored, "what did you do? Talk to her? Follow her?"

"Nah. Just passed her on the street."

She's walking east to west, and I west to east. It's a really nice April morning.

Wish I could talk to her. Half an hour would be plenty: just ask her about herself, tell her about myself, and - what I'd really like to do - explain to her the complexities of fate that have led to our passing each other on a side street in Harajuku on a beautiful April morning in 1981. This was something sure to be crammed full of warm secrets, like an antique clock build when peace filled the world.

After talking, we'd have lunch somewhere, maybe see a Woody Allen movie, stop by a hotel bar for cocktails. With any kind of luck, we might end up in bed.

Potentiality knocks on the door of my heart.

Now the distance between us has narrowed to fifteen yards.

How can I approach her? What should I say?

"Good morning, miss. Do you think you could spare half an hour for a little conversation?"

Ridiculous. I'd sound like an insurance salesman.

"Pardon me, but would you happen to know if there is an all-night cleaners in the neighborhood?"

No, this is just as ridiculous. I'm not carrying any laundry, for one thing. Who's going to buy a line like that?

Maybe the simple truth would do. "Good morning. You are the 100% perfect girl for me."

No, she wouldn't believe it. Or even if she did, she might not want to talk to me. Sorry, she could say, I might be the 100% perfect girl for you, but you're not the 100% boy for me. It could happen. And if I found myself in that situation, I'd probably go to pieces. I'd never recover from the shock. I'm thirty-two, and that's what growing older is all about.

We pass in front of a flower shop. A small, warm air mass touches my skin. The asphalt is damp, and I catch the scent of roses. I can't bring myself to speak to her. She wears a white sweater, and in her right hand she holds a crisp white envelope lacking only a stamp. So: She's written somebody a letter, maybe spent the whole night writing, to judge from the sleepy look in her eyes. The envelope could contain every secret she's ever had.

I take a few more strides and turn: She's lost in the crowd.

Now, of course, I know exactly what I should have said to her. It would have been a long speech, though, far too long for me to have delivered it properly. The ideas I come up with are never very practical.

Oh, well. It would have started "Once upon a time" and ended "A sad story, don't you think?"

Once upon a time, there lived a boy and a girl. The boy was eighteen and the girl sixteen. He was not unusually handsome, and she was not especially beautiful. They were just an ordinary lonely boy and an ordinary lonely girl, like all the others. But they believed with their whole hearts that somewhere in the world there lived the 100% perfect boy and the 100% perfect girl for them. Yes, they believed in a miracle. And that miracle actually happened.

One day the two came upon each other on the corner of a street.

"This is amazing," he said. "I've been looking for you all my life. You may not believe this, but you're the 100% perfect girl for me."

"And you," she said to him, "are the 100% perfect boy for me, exactly as I'd pictured you in every detail. It's like a dream."

They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore. They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. What a wonderful thing it is to find and be found by your 100% perfect other. It's a miracle, a cosmic miracle.

As they sat and talked, however, a tiny, tiny sliver of doubt took root in their hearts: Was it really all right for one's dreams to come true so easily?

And so, when there came a momentary lull in their conversation, the boy said to the girl, "Let's test ourselves - just once. If we really are each other's 100% perfect lovers, then sometime, somewhere, we will meet again without fail. And when that happens, and we know that we are the 100% perfect ones, we'll marry then and there. What do you think?"

"Yes," she said, "that is exactly what we should do."

And so they parted, she to the east, and he to the west.

The test they had agreed upon, however, was utterly unnecessary. They should never have undertaken it, because they really and truly were each other's 100% perfect lovers, and it was a miracle that they had ever met. But it was impossible for them to know this, young as they were. The cold, indifferent waves of fate proceeded to toss them unmercifully.

One winter, both the boy and the girl came down with the season's terrible inluenza, and after drifting for weeks between life and death they lost all memory of their earlier years. When they awoke, their heads were as empty as the young D. H. Lawrence's piggy bank.

They were two bright, determined young people, however, and through their unremitting efforts they were able to acquire once again the knowledge and feeling that qualified them to return as full-fledged members of society. Heaven be praised, they became truly upstanding citizens who knew how to transfer from one subway line to another, who were fully capable of sending a special-delivery letter at the post office. Indeed, they even experienced love again, sometimes as much as 75% or even 85% love.

Time passed with shocking swiftness, and soon the boy was thirty-two, the girl thirty.

One beautiful April morning, in search of a cup of coffee to start the day, the boy was walking from west to east, while the girl, intending to send a special-delivery letter, was walking from east to west, but along the same narrow street in the Harajuku neighborhood of Tokyo. They passed each other in the very center of the street. The faintest gleam of their lost memories glimmered for the briefest moment in their hearts. Each felt a rumbling in their chest. And they knew:

She is the 100% perfect girl for me.

He is the 100% perfect boy for me.

But the glow of their memories was far too weak, and their thoughts no longer had the clarity of fouteen years earlier. Without a word, they passed each other, disappearing into the crowd. Forever.

A sad story, don't you think?

Yes, that's it, that is what I should have said to her.

Eh well

2003-10-15T17:50:39Z

I just took that 'love' quiz on Alan's LJ and I got Casablanca. ("You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A classic story of love in trying times, chock full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously believe in true love, but you're also constantly aware of practicality and societal expectations. That's not always fun, but at least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis get you down too much.) I was hoping for Hedwig :D Besides, it seems like better advice (Your romance is more of a love that needs to bloom within, just like Hedwig of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. The film features an East German transsexual who is seeking her "other half" after constant betrayal. You must love yourself before you can need another. You're starting to realize this, along with the fact that you don't need a significant other to be a complete person. Your "other half" has been inside you all along.)

Er, anyway. I guess I'm feeling okay, but that might change...there's a new C++ project up to download! It's based on project 3 tho so hopefully I can find the correct code I had for that D: (I might've deleted it off the floppy disk though, fuck me.) Little cruddy meetings to go to tonight, eh. Just feeling normal for once, I guess. Not too stressed out.

I had a dream last night that I enjoyed but now I can't remember it. It had Will and Catherine and James Iha in it (well, James was indirect...he was in the news for something). And then I had a dream where I was poolside with Kyle Smoot and Catherine again, and someone's dad was drowning in the pool..the water was all brown and murky and gross, and I dived in to try to get the drowning person and so did Kyle, but neither of us could find the guy. It was really weird and disturbing. And why Kyle? lol

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
Went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me?
He said, girl, you better have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool ...
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you ...

Thank you, Andy!

2003-10-13T23:45:17Z

http://www.illwillpress.com/rant.html

I assume he's talking to me on some of those :O

The ability to relate to music....

2003-10-13T01:12:18Z

...is what reminds me that I'm not the first one to go through this, right?

im falling, falling for the last time

half dead on the inside, feels like nothing's left at all
half smile on the outside, then it's gone

i could never be what you want me to be, i'm just going to leave you disappointed
i could never be what you want me to be, i'm just going to leave you disappointed

could it be that this time
we're just longing, longing for the first time

it's been such a long night
now we're sleeping back again
no matter how we try to pretend

i could never be what you want me to be, i'm just going to leave you disappointed
i could never be what you want me to be, i'm just going to leave you disappointed

i could never see what you wanted from me, all you're going to be is disappointed

i could never be what you want me to be, i'm just going to leave you disappointed

half dead on the inside, feels like nothings left at all
half smile on the outside, then its gone

longerday @ 2003-10-12T01:21:00

2003-10-12T05:29:15Z

Little dear soap bubble-to-be you hold in the ring for so long, and then you look away for a moment and when you look back a breeze had kicked up and it's just left a slight slickness all around the plastic and that's all, no more.

I feel loss every day.

In the meanwhile, I did finish my second speech outline. I am worried about its length. I am also concerned with its . . . skimming. I mean to say that it isn't what it should be. I could make a truly great speech on this, but not in the six minutes I'm given. I feel like I'm not saying all I should, and maybe that cheapens everything. It is such a meaningful and GOOD topic as well. Maybe just too much. But there's nothing else I cared to persuade anyone on. What can I talk about? "Boys are foul and rotten," or "T-shirt sheets are the most versatile bed linen ever created," or "Why college is a complete crock of shit." I also figured out two out of the three probability problems in Excel that were throwing me for a loop yesterday, so that is satisfying. I also read the chapters for Public Speaking I'll be quizzed on on Monday. Tomorrow, I will make the visual aids for the speech (I suppose with printing out...according to the textbook, handwritten signs are officially tacky. Sigh, fuck off will you.), and also do the obligatory online homework that comes with Accounting. And of course, the C++ project. I guess I will try to ask Brendan about it without offending him, or Rob (guilt, guilt, guilt, because he is so generous and I have nothing to offer in return), and I would say Will but that is even worse. It would be nice to be able to help one's self. Being dependent upon others is quite the crap, if I do say so, and Monday is a tight day timewise.

Oh yes, since I've wasted my life this evening I should definitely get back to studying for English . . . and also that, tomorrow.

jesus

2003-10-11T01:59:06Z

Here I go again being angry for no good reason :O I mean yeah, he's busy, so he's working. I'm working too. Why does that make me mad?! Man. I just wanted to talk I guess. I am a spoiled baby brat baby spoiled poop :O

That and I can't figure out the probably of z > -5 under normal distribution. There's something to this that I'm not figuring out . . .

(Had a good night out with Paige & Tara & Kyle & Nikki at Wal*Mart and Ryan's. Yeah Catherine, I tried to unwind . . .)

I'll think of you in my dreams.
You'll never know just what you mean to me

Some random thoughts before I start homework and become a non-person.

2003-10-09T16:45:44Z

1) I bet vegetarians hate kissing each other because MAN . . . hummus gives you killer garlic breath.

2) Do all smokers throw their butts on the ground? Is that some sort of rite of passage, or something you just HAVE to do? Why is it okay to throw a used ciggie on the ground and not a food container, or pieces of paper, or any other refuse you'd normally throw away? I see people that I'd normally label as neat and law-abiding citizens flicking their spit-covered tobaccy sticks all over the place. I don't understand this double standard at all. While you're stressing your lungs out, do you really have to stress your planet out as well?

*end rant*

It's that time again . . .

2003-10-09T00:21:55Z

. . . anyone know C++? I REALLY don't have time to be this clueless. Arrrgh.

*econ test friday
*monday: english test
*tuesday: C++ project due AND speech to give

Doesn't look like terrible much but this is cutting it VERY close timewise. I just want to be able to do these stupid projects without effort so I can move on to the subjects that matter to me. But that would be too easy, heh.

Yadda, yadda.

2003-10-08T01:21:35Z

I have tons and tons of work to be doing so I shouldn't be here crapping on about crap, but I was just sort of wondering if this happens to anyone else. Lately I've been getting lots of mixed feelings at random times talking to people, or persons, whatever . . . cognitively I know I shouldn't be annoyed or angry or hurt or what have you, but I feel those emotions anyway. When I try to think of a reason to defend these rogue emotions, there really isn't one, so I sort of just sit on the feelings and brush myself off as being silly/whingy/needy. There's no reason to be a thoughtless bitch all of the time, right? I don't like expressing anger or cutting someone down if they really don't deserve it. At the same time though, I feel angry about something that can't be changed or about something that shouldn't make me angry. Very, very frustrating. Maybe I'm going insane, or maybe I'm just really getting antisocial.